The Unseen Holds: Wrestling with Heartbreak, Loss, and a Body in Revolt
The roar of the crowd, the sweat stinging my eyes, the satisfying thud of a body hitting the mat – for years, this was my reality in Shreveport. As a professional wrestler, I lived in a world of physical prowess, of pushing limits, of crafting narratives in the ring. But life outside the squared circle, and now the enforced absence from it due to heart attacks and strokes my heart can no longer endure, has brought a different kind of battle. A battle waged not with opponents you can see, but with the unseen forces of anger, hate, malice, pain, and a deep-seated wrath born from failed love with women and the crushing loss of my wrestling career. My current relationship also suffers under this weight. Currently, I'm taking a discipleship class at our local 3:18 Church here in Shreveport, and this week our reading has been Lysa TerKeurst's "Forgiving What You Can't Forget," specifically chapters 5 through 7. Grounded in the insights from these chapters, I'm beginning to explore the tangled web of these emotions, seeking a path forward when the past feels like a relentless hold I can't break free from here in Shreveport. This is the story of connecting those painful dots, understanding their impact in my life here, and tentatively stepping onto the path of forgiveness, even when forgetting feels impossible in this town where so much of my life has unfolded.
Reading Lysa TerKeurst's "Forgiving What You Can't Forget," specifically chapters 5 through 7, has felt like someone shining a light on the tangled mess of emotions I've been wrestling with – anger, hate, malice, pain, and a deep-seated wrath. It's all there, a potent cocktail brewed from the adrenaline-fueled world of professional wrestling and the wreckage of personal relationships.
Chapter 5, "Walking in the Pain Before the Healing," hit me hard. TerKeurst talks about "collecting the dots" of our past stories. For me, those dots are vivid here in Shreveport as I riminess about my past. The roar of the crowd at the Arena's like the Municipal Auditorium, the thrill of the match at local events, the camaraderie in the locker room – juxtaposed with the brutal physical toll that ultimately led to my heart issues, the constant pressure, and the sacrifices made in my personal life. Then there are the dots of failed relationships with women I met here, each one a sharp jab to the heart, leaving behind splinters of hurt and resentment that still linger in the air of this city. And now, the crushing reality of a body that has betrayed me, forcing me out of the ring I loved and lived in, leaving a void and a heavy dose of depression that shadows my days here.
Chapter 6, "What to Do with Your Anger," resonated deeply within the familiar streets of Shreveport. TerKeurst emphasizes "connecting the dots" – understanding how those past hurts have shaped the narratives we carry. I can see the threads now, woven through my experiences in this town. The hyper-competitive nature of wrestling, where you had to be tough and sometimes ruthless in venues across world, bled into my relationships with women I met here. The fear of vulnerability in the ring translated into walls built around my heart outside of it, within the very neighborhoods I call home. The pain of past betrayals in love has created a lens of suspicion and defensiveness in my current relationship, causing its own set of suffering under the Louisiana sky. The anger isn't just about what happened; it's about the story I've told myself about who I am, who others are here, and what I deserve in this life, what I've built in Shreveport for myself.
There are people, places in Shreveport, even just certain days that trigger a visceral reaction within me. TerKeurst suggests these are clues to unaddressed pain. For me, it might be driving past the old gym where I trained, the anniversary of a particularly painful breakup with someone I met, or even just feeling my heart flutter with a reminder of its limitations as I go about my days in Shreveport. These are the moments when the anger, the hate, the malice bubble to the surface in this city that holds 10 years of so many memories.
Chapter 7, "Why Should We Forgive?", tackles "correcting the dots." This is the toughest part, especially when those dots are so deeply embedded in my life here in Shreveport. TerKeurst acknowledges that some things are unforgettable and undeniably unfair. My wrestling career being cut short due to my heart's limitations, the pain inflicted in past relationships with women I cared for here – these are realities I can't erase from my back story. But the chapter emphasizes that holding onto bitterness and resentment only poisons me, right here in this place I call home. Forgiveness, she argues, isn't about condoning what happened or forgetting the pain that occurred within these limits, but about choosing a path toward peace within myself, regardless of the external circumstances i have been going through in Shreveport.
The idea that forgiveness is a personal choice for healing, especially when reconciliation isn't possible or even desired with past wrestling colleagues or former partners throughout my past relationships, is a powerful one. I may never fully understand why my body gave out, preventing me from stepping back into the ring in GCWA's ring in Corpus Christi, CMLL, etc. or why past relationships crumbled. But holding onto the anger and hate is like carrying a lead weight as I walk the streets of Shreveport. It's impacting my current relationship, fueling my depression in my new home here, and preventing any sense of inner peace in this Louisiana city.
This isn't about suddenly feeling okay as I navigate life in Shreveport. It's about starting the work of connecting these painful dots that are so intertwined with my experiences here, understanding the stories they've created within these familiar surroundings, and then, piece by painful piece, trying to correct the narrative in my own heart and mind, right here in Shreveport. It's about acknowledging the anger and hurt without letting it consume me as I live my life in this city. It's about choosing, day by day, to release the grip of malice and wrath, not for those who may have hurt me, but for myself, so I can find some semblance of peace in this place. The ring may be out of reach, and past loves may be lost within its history, but I still have a present and a potential future here. Forgiving what I can't forget isn't about pretending the past didn't happen it's about living a new life in Shreveport; it's about choosing a different way to carry it as I continue to live in this city – a way that doesn't break me further within these familiar borders. This is the beginning of that journey, one painful dot at a time, right here in Shreveport.
So, where do we go from here living in Shreveport? After "collecting," "connecting," and beginning to "correct" the dots of our painful stories that are so deeply rooted in this world of sin, the path toward forgiveness, even of the unforgettable experiences I've had here, starts to take shape. Based on the wisdom gleaned from chapters 5-7 of TerKeurst's book, here are some initial steps we can consider as we navigate my new life here in Shreveport:
- Acknowledge and Sit with the Pain: As Chapter 5 emphasizes, healing begins by truly seeing and feeling the hurt that has occurred here in Shreveport. Don't try to bypass or minimize the anger, sadness, or resentment that these experiences in this city have caused. Allow yourself to acknowledge its presence as you go about your days here.
- Identify the Narratives: Following Chapter 6, take time to understand the stories you've built around your pain, stories often shaped by events and relationships within Wrestling, Shreveport. What conclusions have you drawn about yourself, others in this city, and the world based on these experiences that have unfolded here? Recognizing these narratives is the first step to potentially reframing them within the context of your life in Shreveport.
- Understand the "Why" of Your Anger: Explore the roots of your anger related to your wrestling career ending and past relationships in the World. What unmet needs or violated boundaries lie beneath it? Understanding the source can help you process it in a healthier way as you continue to live in this city.
- Recognize the Burden of Unforgiveness: Reflect on how holding onto these negative emotions related to your experiences in Shreveport is impacting your present life, your current relationship here, and your overall well-being in this city. As Chapter 7 highlights, unforgiveness often hurts the holder more than the initial offender, and that's true for you here in Shreveport as well.
- Make a Conscious Choice (Not a Feeling): Forgiveness, especially when you can't forget the significant events that have happened to you, is often a decision rather than a sudden feeling. Choose to release the grip of bitterness that has taken root here, not necessarily for the sake of the other persons involved in your Shreveport story, but for your own peace within this city.
- Focus on Your Healing, Not Reconciliation (Initially): TerKeurst stresses that forgiveness is a personal journey. It doesn't always require or lead to reconciliation with past wrestling colleagues or former partners. Your primary focus should be on your own emotional and mental well-being as you navigate life in Shreveport Louisiana.
- Be Patient and Kind to Yourself: This is not a linear process, especially when dealing with deep-seated pain connected to your life in wrestling as you try to live in Shreveport. There will be good days and bad days as you move through this in this city. Allow yourself grace and understanding as you navigate these difficult emotions within the familiar surroundings of Shreveport that remind you of your past.
These are just initial steps, and the journey of forgiveness is deeply personal, especially when so much of your experience is tied to wrestling and past failed relationships. But by acknowledging our pain, understanding its roots within us, and making a conscious choice to release the burden of unforgiveness, we can begin to find a measure of peace, even when the memories of our past remain vivid.
In conclusion, as I continue my discipleship journey at 3:18 Church here in Shreveport, and having just finished reading these impactful chapters of "Forgiving What You Can't Forget," my aim is to actively apply these lessons. On the other hand, it's important to acknowledge the positive relationships I've also developed here in Shreveport. The dedicated staff at the Holy Cross Church Hope House, the caring Lovewell Staff from Urban Hub Ministries, and of course, our insightful pastor, Matthew Tyson, have all been sources of support and encouragement. As I navigate this journey from homelessness to healing past hurts, within my new apartment. I'm going to try, with God's help and the strength I find in these positive connections, to forgive where I can and to pick up the pieces of what feels like a shattered life filled with heartbreak and sorrow.
Yours for now,
Captain Hedges
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