The truth is, the journey toward forgiveness isn't a gentle stroll through a sunlit meadow. For many of us, it's a daily, grueling battle against the very core of our being – the raw, visceral urge to give in to the gnawing tendrils of hate, the burning inferno of rage, the suffocating weight of bitterness, the consuming desire for wrath, and the intoxicating pull of revenge. These feelings, especially when inflicted by those who have hurt us deeply, can feel like an intrinsic part of us, a justified response to unbearable pain.
Just Know that if you're in that daily wrestling match, know that you are not alone.
This is the messy, honest terrain of healing that Lysa TerKeurst navigates with such vulnerability in "Forgiving What You Can't Forget," and it's a struggle echoed throughout the very human stories within the Bible.
"Forgiving What You Can't Forget" on the War Within:
TerKeurst doesn't shy away from acknowledging the intensity of these negative emotions. She emphasizes that your feelings are valid. The book doesn't ask you to deny the hate or the rage, but rather to understand them and, ultimately, choose a different path. Here are some key insights from the book on dealing with these powerful urges:
- Acknowledge and Validate Your Emotions: TerKeurst stresses that pretending these feelings don't exist is counterproductive. You have been hurt, and your anger, bitterness, and desire for justice are understandable responses. The first step is to acknowledge their presence without letting them control you.
- Separate the Feeling from the Action: The book highlights that while you feel hate or rage, you don't have to act on those feelings. Recognizing this distinction gives you a crucial point of control. You can acknowledge the emotion without letting it dictate your behavior.
- Understand the Trap of Unforgiveness: TerKeurst powerfully illustrates how holding onto these negative emotions ultimately harms you more than the person who hurt you. Bitterness becomes a prison, and the desire for revenge consumes your energy and joy.
- Focus on Your Healing, Not Their Punishment: The book gently redirects our focus from wanting the offender to suffer to wanting our own hearts to heal. While the desire for justice is natural, dwelling solely on it can hinder our own emotional recovery.
- Embrace the Process, Not a Quick Fix: Forgiveness isn't a one-time decision; it's a journey with ups and downs. There will be days when the hate feels overwhelming again. TerKeurst encourages patience and self-compassion during these moments.
- Name the Hurt Specifically: Pinpointing the exact ways you were hurt can help you process the emotions more effectively than a general sense of anger.
Biblical Guidance in the Battle:
The Bible doesn't sugarcoat the human capacity for these intense emotions, but it consistently points us towards a different way:
- Ephesians 4:26-27: "“In your anger do not sin” : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold."
This verse acknowledges the reality of anger but warns against letting it fester and lead to sinful actions. It emphasizes the importance of processing anger in a healthy way and not allowing it to take root. - Romans 12:17-21: "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live
peaceably with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." This powerful passage directly addresses the urge for revenge, urging us to choose a different path – one of peace and even kindness, trusting in God's justice. - Matthew 5:44: "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." This challenging command from Jesus goes against our natural instincts. Prayer, even for those who have hurt us, can be a powerful tool in softening our hearts and releasing the grip of hate.
- Galatians 5:16-17: "So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict
with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want." This highlights the internal battle we face between our natural, often vengeful desires and the leading of the Holy Spirit, who guides us towards love and forgiveness.
Conclusion:
These feelings – the burning hate, the consuming rage, the bitter resentment, the vengeful wrath – these are the things I wrestle with on a daily basis when I think about those who have hurt me deeply. The desire to lash out, to see them suffer as I have suffered, can feel overwhelming. But both Lysa TerKeurst's insights and the wisdom of Scripture remind me that giving in to these urges ultimately chains me to the past and hinders my own healing. The path to freedom, though difficult and requiring constant vigilance, lies in acknowledging these emotions without letting them control me, focusing on my own journey toward wholeness, and leaning on the strength and guidance of God's Word and His Spirit. It's a daily battle, but one I must choose to fight for my own sake.
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