Year of the Snake Day 25: The 7 AM Stampede & The Owner's Manual
By Captain Hedges
Star Date: 01252026.0900
Location: The Living Room, Shreveport Cabin
Status: HOSTILE CONTAINMENT FAILED / CUTENESS OVERLOAD
I knew the peace wouldn't last.
Around 0700, the sun started hitting the frost on the windows, and the cabin woke up. Uncle Bill and I were still at the table, watching Gumbo sleep on the rug near the heater. The drake had curled up into a ball, looking less like a predator and more like a scaly ottoman.
Then, the bedroom doors opened. The stampede began.
The kids didn't scream. They didn't run for their lives. They did exactly what you’d expect a group of Hedges children to do when confronting a Class 4 Swamp Monster.
They surrounded it.
"He's spiky!" one of them shouted, poking Gumbo’s iron-hard flank. "He's warm!" said another, actually petting the thing’s head.
Gumbo opened one yellow eye. He let out a low rumble—not a growl, more like a purr that vibrated the floorboards. He was loving the attention.
I was about to intervene when Angela walked in, tying her robe. I braced myself for the "Get that thing out of my house" speech.
She stopped. She looked at the kids petting the drake. She looked at the steam rising off the creature’s scales.
She started laughing. "That's cool," she said, shaking her head.
The kids spun around in unison, hitting us with the weapon more dangerous than a dragon's breath: The Puppy Dog Eyes.
"Mommy! Can we keep him? Please?"
Uncle Bill groaned into his coffee mug. "Great. Now we have to housebreak a dinosaur."
Since I was clearly outvoted, I did the only responsible thing: I sat down and wrote the rules.
Manual: How to Train Your Cypress Bark-Drake
So, you’ve decided to keep the UDR 4 Swamp Lizard that wandered onto your porch. Congratulations. You now have a pet that is immune to poison, armored like a tank, and roughly as intelligent as a bag of hammers.
Since the kids have already named him "Gumbo" and Angela has refused to let Uncle Bill turn him into a pair of boots, here are the official Rules of Engagement for keeping a Cypress Bark-Drake indoors.
Rule #1: The Thermostat is God
This is non-negotiable. As we established, these things are solar-powered batteries.
If the temp drops below 60°F: He goes into "Cold Torpor." He becomes a heavy, scaly doorstop.
If the temp is good: He is a loyal watchdog.
WARNING: Do not let him sleep directly on the electric blanket. His scales conduct heat. You will wake up to the smell of singing polyester.
Rule #2: The "Steam Valve" Warning
Gumbo doesn't breathe fire (thank god), but he does exhale super-heated steam.
Do not startle the drake. If you sneak up on him, he will burp.
Result: It’s like opening a dishwasher mid-cycle, but multiplied by ten. It won't kill you (1D6 Damage), but it will ruin your haircut and fog up everyone’s glasses for twenty minutes.
Rule #3: Dietary Requirements
An MR 210 creature requires serious calories. He cannot survive on kibble.
Approved Snacks: Raw fish, ham hocks, leftover gumbo (ironic, I know), and crawfish shells (the calcium helps his scales).
Forbidden Snacks: The mailman, the neighbor's cat, or Uncle Bill’s walking stick.
Rule #4: Grooming (The Splinter Hazard)
Petting Gumbo is not like petting a dog. It is like petting a pinecone made of ironwood.
Pet from Head to Tail ONLY. If you pet him "against the grain," you are going to lose fingernails.
Polishing: Once a week, wipe him down with mineral oil. It keeps the moss from growing on his back. We want a clean drake, not a walking salad bar.
Uncle Bill’s Addendum: "If that lizard eats one more piece of my bacon, I’m re-classifying him from 'Pet' to 'Luggage.' You’ve been warned."
Product Identity & Legal The "Year of the Snake" Project and the "Hedge Wizard of the Shreveport Cabin" persona are Product Identity of Arthur Earl C. Hedges Jr. © 2026.
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